He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
