I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
