I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
high people should be assigned attendants
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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