My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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