just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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