Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
