Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize