feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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