My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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