I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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