He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
