i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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