Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
