Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
