Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
