I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
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