This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
