everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So. Much. Porn.
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