Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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