My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
