If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
