If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
ugly people sure do ruin things
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
