i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
