So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
wrigley field is MILF paradise
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
40s are totally the cure
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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