I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
