Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
