I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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