hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Randomize
