i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
