it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize