I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
