'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
