Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Success! We fucked roommates!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
