When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think I just sharted jello shots
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