My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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