i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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