and she was petting her beer can
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize