I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Randomize
