Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
