the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
