I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I smell like Dick and happiness
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
