enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
