So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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