Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
