Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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