If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
