Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
