Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My hand turned me down
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
