This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
