dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
