the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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