i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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