how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
