I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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