What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
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