there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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