I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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