I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
