Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
