she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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